Butterflies

If I could lie here silently,
and close my eyes real tight
Everything upside down in my world
would suddenly be right.

I used to lie here quietly
listening to my heart within my chest
as it would whisper your name to me
and would ease my soul to rest.

Butterflies in my stomach
always would take flight
each time you kissed me
or were even just in sight.

Tonight as I lie here crying
wishing for MY Will
in a wave of saddness I realize
my heart is very still.

I cannot hear your name
whispered in my ears
but I can feel it leaving me
through the falling of my tears.

I can feel the bleeding,
the brokenness inside
the devestating sadness
as I lay alone a cry.

My heart and soul are broken
they cry out and they bleed
The butterflies in my stomach
have finally been freed.

Draft - Unfinished

As as bride I was so happy, I was finally whole.
I finally found the piece that completed my soul.


I was lost in chaos, in a torrent of tears.
How could I not notice this was happening for years.
The damage was apparent, the fissure wasn't new
Though I sat bewildered when my soul broke right in two.
In a maelstrom of a emotion, it was impossible to think,
I never even realized as I began to sink.
Lower and lower into the dark abyss I fell,
I was feeling nothing now, this could possibly be hell.


The peace was overwhelming, the silence was divine,
I closed my eyes and ...

BEGGING

I’m clinging to your pant leg
Begging you not to go;
The depth of my desperation
I am not afraid to show.
My tears feel so redundant,
I’ve cried them all before
My words are all regurgitated
As I kneel begging on the floor.
You pick me up and dust me off
And pat me on the head
And quietly, without feeling
Repeat the words you’ve said.
“I don’t love you anymore”
Like a serrated blade it tears.
I stand bleeding there before you
But you just don’t seem to care.

Please hit me, please punch me
Just knock me around
Please kick me, and pummel me
beat me to the ground
I welcome physical pain
I am dead inside
At least if I bleed
I know I’m alive.

You are so selfish
So self absorbed
You can’t just ruin one life
You have to ruin four.
You keep holding me
Giving me small glimmers of hope
You might as well tie a noose
And hand me the rope.
Don’t say that you’re sorry,
Don’t make me cry
I am so sick
Of your shameless lies.

DADDY

A little boy of five years old
Stands crying on Christmas Day
Watching Daddy pack and leave
He cries for him to stay
Right then and there that little boy
Was forced to become a man
“I will never be this way” he said
The power is in my hands.
He cried for only moments
“Will Daddy come for me”
“I’m sorry, Daddy won’t son,
He has a new family.”
The baby spent his whole life waiting
For a man that never came.
The rejection he felt from Daddy
Was his own private shame.

The boy has now become a man
And is walking out the door
The picture is familiar
We’ve seen this all before.
Only now it is HIS son that cries
And begs for Dad to stay.
He will try to come and see you
On another day.
The days get so much longer
Waiting for Daddy to come.
“Daddy won’t be coming today,
He’s found another home.”
Both Daddies moved on,
Neither ever came.
The private Shame within their soul
Remains perfectly unchanged.

Broken hearted they both cry
25 years apart.
But everything’s exactly the same
In these babies broken hearts.

AGONY

I know my eyes are open
So why can’t I see?
I can see the crimson blood
Is it coming from me?
I feel the breath pass into my lungs,
So why can’t I breathe?
Although I am spotless and clean
I feel dirty with disease.
I hear them say “Mommy”
But I cannot respond
I had a heart beat once,
But now it is gone.

I look in the mirror
At the face that I see
Who is that woman?
She used to be me.
She’s lost all her strength
She can’t even blink
I just stare at her blood
Dripping into the sink.
Her eyes have gone dark
They’re listless and dead
She stares off at nothing
Just looks straight ahead.
I see her tears falling
But I can’t remember why
What in the world would make
This beautiful woman cry?

The blood, it has subsided
The trickle finally died.
In a flood of pain I remember
Why that woman sat and cried.
I grasp my chest in agony
And start to suffocate
What kind of hell for us
Did this man I love create?
I lie there naked, bleeding
On the bathroom floor
I picture him with her
That filthy little whore.
The pain it overwhelms me
I can’t even stand
I take my wedding ring
Finally off my hand.


In the distance I hear knocking
What can that noise be?
It’s my little babies
They say that they need me.
I muster all my strength
And silently I pray
I stand and I breathe
I can’t die today.
I open the door
And step into the light
I fight back my tears
With all of my might
In an explosion
I am grabbed from each side
The pain in my soul
I successfully hide.
One baby needs me,
He just needs a hug
The other just spilled her milk
All over the rug
The oldest one can’t remember
How HAPPY is spelled.
In a rush it gone,
The pain is dispelled.
Their love is so angelic
I smile at my kids.
Lets get back to life
And finding sippy lids.

I forgot about the loneliness
I forgot about the pain
Until I laid alone again
To listen to the rain.
I wanted him here
I miss him so bad
But he never really knew
What a great family he had.
I forgot about the lady
With the lifeless eyes
That died on the floor
Because of his lies.
My baby just gave me
A kiss on my cheek
Her eyes are so innocent
So soft and so meek.
I will forget him
I will forget his betrayal
But today I am thankful
My kids rescued me from Hell.

ADULTERY

My world has fallen around my feet
The sun has fallen dim.
I can’t remember who we were.
Anymore, I don’t know him.
I sit here and wish for silence
Because I can barely breathe.
I want him to hold me in his arms
I want him to pack up and leave.
My every breath is anguished
My heart bleeds with every beat.
I can’t feel anything anymore
I am numb from head to feet.
He says he doesn’t love me
Words that hurt my ears.
I wish he could taste my sorrow
I wish he could feel my tears.
I don’t know where I’m going,
I don’t know what to do.
He said he would forsake all others
And then he said “I do”.
He laid in someone else’s arms
He touched her on her skin
He tasted her lips and looked in her eyes
And then fell into a horrible sin.
I want to know her name
I want to know where and why
with his silence he protects his mistress
and his wife sits alone and cries.
Satan has driven a wedge
Deep down into his heart
He sits still not able to care
That our world is falling apart.
He took away my innocence
He’s thrown away my trust.
I built my world around him
Now he’s crumbled it to dust.
I plead for him with open arms
To work on it and stay
With dead eyes he looks at me
And turns and walks away.

CLOCK

For: Robert James Safford (my Bro-In-Law)
09/12/1972 - 12/08/2002

I thought of you today
the moment I opened my eyes.
At 8 o clock I thought of you
when I saw the crystal blue sky.
I kissed my childrens foreheads,
and gave them one from you.
I ate my lunch in silence today
because my heart was hungering too.
At half past two a tear drop fell;
that song had beautiful words.
Later on I stopped and stared,
was that your voice I'd heard?
I thought of you dinner time
and the hamburger story of old.
I laughed out loud to think of mom
knocking you out cold.
As I lay my head down at 10 o clock
to try to get some rest.
I realized you'd been right here with me
each beat within my chest.

The time is passing swiftly on
and I think of you each day
And in my prayers I utter
the things I never got to say.
I love you and I miss you, Rob,
my brother and my friend.
Please always stay right here with me
Till we're together in the end.
As the clock ticks ever onward,
and the time it speeds away;
There will not be a moment
That I won't think of you today.